sometimes I feel like joy is just a concept

As we sang, “I’ve got joy like a river, joy like a river in my soul,” at church earlier today…

Tears were flowing down my cheeks because as I tried singing it, it doesn’t feel true to me. Joy feels elusive for me these days—as I process news of a person I admire, a man of faith breathing his last, a doctor’s discouraging diagnosis for a loved one… And needing to set aside crying about it all for a few days so I can finish work-related deadlines.

“I’ve got joy, I’ve got joy,” I half sang and half cried out. When a thought shot through my stream of tears and rants—joy is not found in a feeling, but a Person.

I’ve been striving to get myself out of burnout, overwhelm, and grief… when I only just needed the Person who endured the cross for the joy set before Him. There is a gap between my reality and His Word. A gap that may never be fully realized in my lifetime.

He meets me in that gap: in my tears, in my pain, in my questions.

I didn’t feel like going to church today. I’m usually the cheerful one so I didn’t want to show up feeling sad. And I also didn’t want to explain myself. So I kept it brief and honest, every time someone asked how I am: malungkot ako.

Towards the end of our pastor’s preaching, he joked about something that made me laugh.

I’m grateful for that burst of joy, albeit brief.

Sometimes I feel like joy is just a concept. But God showed me today that true joy is never far.

Joy is found in Jesus, Immanuel, God with us.